giving

from a journal entry 1.4.2011:
One of my conscious activities for this month is to give. It's funny, I feel like I don't give much, but at work, I give all day long. One may not see the fruits of what I give, but in trying a shoe, in providing a safe space, by saying something encouraging, by defending a student, by listening to a teacher rant about a student or their trip abroad, by joking with a fellow colleague, by providing "insights" to an intern, by giving a hug, by providing a smidge of confidence...I guess I give a lot more than I thought. I have been beating myself up over not doing service, over not being generous, but boy, I'm not that selfish. I could always be more generous, but I'm working towards the conscious "I am going to give" process too.
:)

accomplishment!

it feels like an accomplishment when a 6 year doesn't "use it" in her pants for a week. ah, the smell -er rather nonsmell- of success! a 1st grade teacher and i embarked on a collaborative problem solving model (developed by dr. ross green) last week. we sat down and i opened the discussion (making sure to note that she was not in trouble), with, "we noticed that you have been going to the bathroom on yourself almost every day...what's up?" after shrugs, more questions, the empathy stage, more shrugs, avoidance, tabling questions, and then more digging (as we learned in our training, it's key to do this all without judgment), we found out that she goes to the bathroom, but then doesn't go all the way. apparently she was rushing it, then when her pants were up, she would finish! so with some more questions, i decided it was time for invitation to solutions. since it was difficult for her to come up with ideas on how not to wet herself, the teacher and i bounced ideas off each other and made sure the 6 year old understood what was happening. i know, i know, you're supposed to let the student come up with the idea on her own. however, this was the type of thing that needed some adult input (so plan "a" right*?). ah well, we all finally decided for her to count to 20 on the toilet and if she wasn't done, count again! she even suggested having a special signal to tell the teacher she needed to use the bathroom, and they decided to have the teacher prompt her before she left with their own special phrase, "don't forget to count!"
:) overall, it's been a week and no wet pants! whew. i'll take the little things in life!


*plan a in this model is usually the adult imposing their own agenda for what is the "right" way to do something. versus plan b, which involves the child's perspective and is a bit more "collaborative"

tidbits

small tidbits from the past week and a half:
:) -excitement and enthusiasm for the kindness patrol!
:( -then students calling the photos of the kindness patrol students "dumb" "gay" and "ugly" so the kindness kinda backfired!
:( -9 year old girl crying in the hallway because students are teasing her, calling her "smelly," "ugly," and other mean things.
:( -two boys brought into my office to resolve a conflict tell a girl that they don't like her, but won't say why and keep taunting her without engaging in problem solving.
:) -the next day when i went to talk to one of the boys one on one, he recognized how mean he was being and drew a nice picture for the girl.
:( -after a *successful* collaborative problem solving session about a 6 year old wetting her pants multiple times during the day, she walks away with wet bottoms! hmmm, anxiety and stress may be playing a larger role in this than we thought, even though the collab.prob.solv. was totally chill, empathetic and she understood that she wasn't in trouble!
:) -the boy who was cutting his wrists in class with a razor, came to school smiling the past two days.
:) -the boy in a special day class was found to have below average to average ranged cognition, not an intellectual disability,
:( -but he still runs out of the classroom and has a very difficult time following directions.
:) -deep breaths rock!

i cried today

as the school year starts, and students settle back into the routine of english, math and science, they are also returning to routine, safety, and expectations. many of them have expectations of success, but those who i work with, rarely do. along with their new backpacks, they bring the heaviness of an unstable household, fears of a learning difficulty, the worries of their grandmother in the hospital, or in today's case: the anguish of a loved one dying, and not knowing what to do, but to start hurting himself physically.
this little 10 year old had recently experienced a loved uncle die this summer. today, he overheard his mom on the phone talking about how another uncle died. but all day long, he didn't know who, and was withdrawn and sullen. his teacher noticed, and also noticed how he began cutting himself with scissors, and then a razor he took from the pencil sharpener...this boy didn't tell her a word, and never opened his mouth, but just sat at his desk silently, sullenly.
while i was working with him on a risk assessment, and learned that he had just been through a death of a loved one this summer, my eyes welled up in sadness. all i could do was breathe deeply and give us both a moment of silence. after talking with his family, and making sure he didn't have further plans to harm himself, i just sat in silence for a few moments. it is times like this that i have to sit back in gratitude for all that i have and send out prayers to help this young man. i also feel helpless because of my limitations and the fact that once they leave campus, you just hope that they'll be protected and come to school the next day. i have to trust that there is a natural cycle in this world and even these crazy events in these innocent childrens lives are part of it. it just seems so bizarre that that's the way it is.

kids are kind

i decided to add some positive energy into my workspace by having the students contribute to a "question of the month." i posted a question on the wall outside my office at my elementary school and waited. eventually i started seeing some amazing ideas and answers to the questions (some questions based off of a "spinspiration" game i helped develop during karmakitchen.1 in berkeley). here are some of the responses throughout the year. it was heart-warming and yet sad to me how some of the expressions are things many of us take for granted...

If you had a million dollars what would you do with it and why?
- I would give back to my city. So I could fix it up
- I would buy food for my family and a car
- I would give to foster children, homeless and everybody who needs it...yah, my family
- I would give it to the school: books, pencils, better food
- I would give back to the community, give some to charity and buy big houses to my family
- I will give some money to the shelter or the needy
- Buy Haiti food and clothes
- I will buy food so I can survive and for my family

What does someone in your family/community do for you that helps you most?
- My grandma helps me with my homework
- My teacher help me learn
- My family cares and loves me no matter what, and I thank them!
- My mom, she's always there to remind me of how great I am. Sometimes, mean people want me to forget that I am GREAT!! (Mr. Chris)
- My parents keep a roof over my head
- Tell me they love me
- My dad and family love, care, support, and keep me on my feet!

fight or flight

today i chased a pigeon around to demonstrate the idea of "flight." sometimes i wonder if i'm the one that needs to see a psych! :)

spring

when spring hits, it's usually with a sign of relief and also a flutter of activity. it's a time for gearing up to the end of the school year, testing like a fiend, and...getting layoff notices. especially in our state, this is a common thing. the uncommon thing about this year, is that even special ed school psychs are being cut. that leaves about 41 psychs for more than 100 schools in my district. and oh yeah, i got that reputed pink slip. it "recommended" that i "may or may not be needed" next year. what a predicament for teachers who are putting their blood sweat and tears into their jobs, and then they get this letter in march. how sucky that they have to go to work every day knowing they're expendable and feel as if they're in an awkward position to motivate students to do well on their end of the year tests and classes.
for me, i'm adopting a shrug, with "it is what it is" attitude. i will be disappointed if not asked back, but this weird seniority totem pole puts me at the bottom, and i can't do anything about it. well i could "fight" back, expend energy at a hearing, talk to the union people, all that drama. but really, it's probably an opportunity for some change (which i'm trying to embrace in the field of constant changes). maybe it will be good. all i know is that i'm not going to stress out over it. there are a lot of jobs out there (contrary to our economic perception). unfortunately, it's the students who get the dirty end of the stick, or however that saying goes. it's ironic that that's how our society rolls. we encourage ambition and success, but then set up our next generation for failure.
well, i'll take the small moments of success and spring time happiness where i can get it :) onward!

typical day

my "typical" day started with continuing a report i've been writing for a 4 year old i assessed for autism. he is the youngest student i've assessed so far. it was so much fun though cause he was so sweet and cute, it was funny working with him cause all i could do was laugh when he ignored my requests for a task and kept lining up the toy dinosaurs.
i then walked into the office, expecting to find a parent and our team there for a sst. parent didn't show, even though everyone else did and it was frustrating to waste time like that. but whatever, i should expect that now. but while waiting, i got to catch up with a teacher about a student. after i went back to my office, i got materials ready for testing. i ended up testing two students for hours today! still can't figure out what is "wrong" with one even though i exhausted him with two more tests today. poor thing. but ends up that he is one of the higher students i've tested in a while, despite remarks such as "i'm stupid" and "you're disappointed in me huh?" it was sad. but i told him he wasn't stupid and i had the proof. so i'm excited to tell him he's definitely not dumb.
i observed a little girl in 2nd grade and loved being that class. 2nd graders are hilarious. there was a sub and he was really good with them. one little girl needed a pencil, and the teacher bent down, picked one up, and then gave it to her. but it was another student's. so they were trying to tell the teacher that but he couldn't hear. so the girl was using the pencil, and eventually the teacher found out the boy needed a pencil so he got one for him and switched them. the funny thing was, that as another little boy walked passed the girls desk and dropped another pencil on her desk. she looked at it and said, i don't need that! so the teacher told her to put it away. and the boy who gave her the extra pencil looked at her with a little smile from his backpack while he got another pencil. cute!
after testing for a bit, i grabbed a boy that i've been counseling for grief, since his godsister and his cousin died. i met with him for a bit, but mostly it was to terminate the sessions because i didn't think that he was benefiting from counseling anymore. he just wanted to play. anyways, then i ate quickly, tried to score some protocols and tested again right in time for a sst for a boy in 4th grade who has focus issues. the meeting turned into just a few of us and then just the teacher and me and i felt kinda like i hadn't been that helpful because she wanted to implement a whole schedule where he gets one on one help everyday for a little while. but i really couldn't commit to that even though i tried for another student.
i then compiled consent forms for my boys group counseling and handed them out to teachers. i am over the top with assessments and starting the group and also trying to do the collaborative problem solving program. so i am a bit overwhelmed to say the least.
after i scored more protocol and connected with another teacher about pending paperwork, i got my stuff together to go home. on my way out at 4, i saw a student who has been asking to "come with me" and "when am i gonna pick him up?" and i had gotten a message from his mother saying she would like him to have counseling. i spoke to him wondering what he would like to see me for and i told him what i did with students. he still wanted to see me and told me that he had thoughts of suicide. so i was like, uh ok! (red flag!) i made sure he was ok and that he wouldn't be harming himself over the next few days, then i said that either myself or one of the interns will be meeting with him next week. i think i need more time at my elementary school...