in a meeting determining whether a child's severe actions are a manifestation of their "disability," the educational team, parent(s), and district special education representative engage in a *usually* very long discussion. many of these meetings get quite heated, egos flare, tempers rise, and sometimes it gets violent. today, in one of those such meetings, a 3rd grader, her mother and our school team met to figure out what to do next after her suspension. she had threatened, verbally harassed and caused quite a scene last week. it got to the point where she aggressively disrespected the principal and was sent home for 10 days (mom thought it was only 5, but i'll get to that).
during this particular meeting, it was going ok, but as we started to see, the parent got quite agitated whenever the principal spoke, and at a few points had to be calmed down when she stood up to leave. she also started explaining what had been going on at home, fights, a relationship break-up, being robbed three times in the past month, being held at gunpoint, getting in a fist fight with another woman (the daughter explained -"and my momma beat her down!")...there was a point when i looked in that little girl's eyes and just saw a deep sadness. this was all she knew. unfortunately we could see exactly why she acts the way she does.
as the mother learned that her child was suspended for another week, she flew off the handle, talking to the principal with such disrespectful words, but masking her tone so she didn't "sound" mean, if that makes sense. it's difficult for me to be in the room and not do anything, but these situations are tricky. i didn't want to create more drama, and was very aware of the student soaking in the whole scene. eventually, it was resolved, and the mother signed paperwork begrudgingly, but the whole meeting left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. it was obvious the whole family needs help, not only mental health but emotional and social support. not until later, when processing this high-strung event, i wondered what else i could have done in there.
i guess that i probably just did the best thing i knew how: try to engage the child to not hear the drama, listening with empathy to the mother, and being an advocate for the student. despite the parent's feelings, she should not have been so rude, but i also understood that she was like that because of her pain. it was all she knew too.
during meetings, in statements i make, or questions i have, i refer to the caregiver as "mom," "mother," "dad," "father," "aunt," "uncle" etc. i rarely use their name. today i realized that it's true: this woman was a mother. why shouldn't she be considered my mother? after all, we are all *one* right? i wonder if i could diffuse tense situations by calling the parent, "mother." would it connect us, or would she slap my face? while many of the "mothers" are much younger than me, if i could connect them to that human nature of a mother, by reminding them that they are my mother in spirit, i think it would help make a potentially volatile discussion become non-violent.
so my lesson today was that despite all the craziness that comes out of a parents mouth, i should start by seeing the Mother in her, and using that connection to strengthen the tenuous bonds of the school-home relationship. hopefully that would trickle to the student in some way...
