Mental Health Day

Well, it seems appropriate that I model what I tell everyone else to do right? So, today, after weeks of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I took a "mental health" day. It basically encompassed a rejuvenation of my spirit and letting the everyday issues of a very intense school year melt away. It was something I forced myself to do, despite a weekend crisis at a middle school. I would not have been very effective I fear, in alleviating the student grief, while I really haven't been able to deal with my own stuff. So I took the day to do that. And it felt so nice to recognize the beauty in nature and let my soul absorb it. As I hiked on the Pacific Ocean coastal trail, saw the bright blue sky, and dolphins playing in the aquamarine water, I forced the worries of students, needs of teachers, suicides, and shootings out of my head. I heartily embraced my gratitude for being healthy and whole. I think when I go in tomorrow, I will be a renewed service provider and be able to manage the demands of life much better. Self care is important!

do i want to go back?

during my summers off (yes, the whole summer, woohoo!) i have to reassess whether i want to come back to school. for the past four years, the answer has been "yes." this year, it's..."yeah, sure." the slight hesitation makes me wonder if the summer was worth the 10 months of stress. but as i evaluate, and list the pros and cons in my head, i feel more positive about school starting next week. oakland isn't done with me, yet. i still have many lessons to learn, and hugs to give. we have some pretty exciting things going on this year...if they actually happen. i have learnt the brutal lesson of not getting my hopes up in the public education realm. as i get my back to school supplies (love the little planners at target), mentally prepare for the consistently changing changes in the district, and acknowledge the barrage of initial assessments we scheduled for september, i remind myself of the kiddos i'll try to help this year. yes, i want to go back.

mother

in a meeting determining whether a child's severe actions are a manifestation of their "disability," the educational team, parent(s), and district special education representative engage in a *usually* very long discussion. many of these meetings get quite heated, egos flare, tempers rise, and sometimes it gets violent. today, in one of those such meetings, a 3rd grader, her mother and our school team met to figure out what to do next after her suspension. she had threatened, verbally harassed and caused quite a scene last week. it got to the point where she aggressively disrespected the principal and was sent home for 10 days (mom thought it was only 5, but i'll get to that).

during this particular meeting, it was going ok, but as we started to see, the parent got quite agitated whenever the principal spoke, and at a few points had to be calmed down when she stood up to leave. she also started explaining what had been going on at home, fights, a relationship break-up, being robbed three times in the past month, being held at gunpoint, getting in a fist fight with another woman (the daughter explained -"and my momma beat her down!")...there was a point when i looked in that little girl's eyes and just saw a deep sadness. this was all she knew. unfortunately we could see exactly why she acts the way she does.

as the mother learned that her child was suspended for another week, she flew off the handle, talking to the principal with such disrespectful words, but masking her tone so she didn't "sound" mean, if that makes sense. it's difficult for me to be in the room and not do anything, but these situations are tricky. i didn't want to create more drama, and was very aware of the student soaking in the whole scene. eventually, it was resolved, and the mother signed paperwork begrudgingly, but the whole meeting left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. it was obvious the whole family needs help, not only mental health but emotional and social support. not until later, when processing this high-strung event, i wondered what else i could have done in there.

i guess that i probably just did the best thing i knew how: try to engage the child to not hear the drama, listening with empathy to the mother, and being an advocate for the student. despite the parent's feelings, she should not have been so rude, but i also understood that she was like that because of her pain. it was all she knew too.

during meetings, in statements i make, or questions i have, i refer to the caregiver as "mom," "mother," "dad," "father," "aunt," "uncle" etc. i rarely use their name. today i realized that it's true: this woman was a mother. why shouldn't she be considered my mother? after all, we are all *one* right? i wonder if i could diffuse tense situations by calling the parent, "mother." would it connect us, or would she slap my face? while many of the "mothers" are much younger than me, if i could connect them to that human nature of a mother, by reminding them that they are my mother in spirit, i think it would help make a potentially volatile discussion become non-violent.

so my lesson today was that despite all the craziness that comes out of a parents mouth, i should start by seeing the Mother in her, and using that connection to strengthen the tenuous bonds of the school-home relationship. hopefully that would trickle to the student in some way...

giving

from a journal entry 1.4.2011:
One of my conscious activities for this month is to give. It's funny, I feel like I don't give much, but at work, I give all day long. One may not see the fruits of what I give, but in trying a shoe, in providing a safe space, by saying something encouraging, by defending a student, by listening to a teacher rant about a student or their trip abroad, by joking with a fellow colleague, by providing "insights" to an intern, by giving a hug, by providing a smidge of confidence...I guess I give a lot more than I thought. I have been beating myself up over not doing service, over not being generous, but boy, I'm not that selfish. I could always be more generous, but I'm working towards the conscious "I am going to give" process too.
:)

accomplishment!

it feels like an accomplishment when a 6 year doesn't "use it" in her pants for a week. ah, the smell -er rather nonsmell- of success! a 1st grade teacher and i embarked on a collaborative problem solving model (developed by dr. ross green) last week. we sat down and i opened the discussion (making sure to note that she was not in trouble), with, "we noticed that you have been going to the bathroom on yourself almost every day...what's up?" after shrugs, more questions, the empathy stage, more shrugs, avoidance, tabling questions, and then more digging (as we learned in our training, it's key to do this all without judgment), we found out that she goes to the bathroom, but then doesn't go all the way. apparently she was rushing it, then when her pants were up, she would finish! so with some more questions, i decided it was time for invitation to solutions. since it was difficult for her to come up with ideas on how not to wet herself, the teacher and i bounced ideas off each other and made sure the 6 year old understood what was happening. i know, i know, you're supposed to let the student come up with the idea on her own. however, this was the type of thing that needed some adult input (so plan "a" right*?). ah well, we all finally decided for her to count to 20 on the toilet and if she wasn't done, count again! she even suggested having a special signal to tell the teacher she needed to use the bathroom, and they decided to have the teacher prompt her before she left with their own special phrase, "don't forget to count!"
:) overall, it's been a week and no wet pants! whew. i'll take the little things in life!


*plan a in this model is usually the adult imposing their own agenda for what is the "right" way to do something. versus plan b, which involves the child's perspective and is a bit more "collaborative"

tidbits

small tidbits from the past week and a half:
:) -excitement and enthusiasm for the kindness patrol!
:( -then students calling the photos of the kindness patrol students "dumb" "gay" and "ugly" so the kindness kinda backfired!
:( -9 year old girl crying in the hallway because students are teasing her, calling her "smelly," "ugly," and other mean things.
:( -two boys brought into my office to resolve a conflict tell a girl that they don't like her, but won't say why and keep taunting her without engaging in problem solving.
:) -the next day when i went to talk to one of the boys one on one, he recognized how mean he was being and drew a nice picture for the girl.
:( -after a *successful* collaborative problem solving session about a 6 year old wetting her pants multiple times during the day, she walks away with wet bottoms! hmmm, anxiety and stress may be playing a larger role in this than we thought, even though the collab.prob.solv. was totally chill, empathetic and she understood that she wasn't in trouble!
:) -the boy who was cutting his wrists in class with a razor, came to school smiling the past two days.
:) -the boy in a special day class was found to have below average to average ranged cognition, not an intellectual disability,
:( -but he still runs out of the classroom and has a very difficult time following directions.
:) -deep breaths rock!

i cried today

as the school year starts, and students settle back into the routine of english, math and science, they are also returning to routine, safety, and expectations. many of them have expectations of success, but those who i work with, rarely do. along with their new backpacks, they bring the heaviness of an unstable household, fears of a learning difficulty, the worries of their grandmother in the hospital, or in today's case: the anguish of a loved one dying, and not knowing what to do, but to start hurting himself physically.
this little 10 year old had recently experienced a loved uncle die this summer. today, he overheard his mom on the phone talking about how another uncle died. but all day long, he didn't know who, and was withdrawn and sullen. his teacher noticed, and also noticed how he began cutting himself with scissors, and then a razor he took from the pencil sharpener...this boy didn't tell her a word, and never opened his mouth, but just sat at his desk silently, sullenly.
while i was working with him on a risk assessment, and learned that he had just been through a death of a loved one this summer, my eyes welled up in sadness. all i could do was breathe deeply and give us both a moment of silence. after talking with his family, and making sure he didn't have further plans to harm himself, i just sat in silence for a few moments. it is times like this that i have to sit back in gratitude for all that i have and send out prayers to help this young man. i also feel helpless because of my limitations and the fact that once they leave campus, you just hope that they'll be protected and come to school the next day. i have to trust that there is a natural cycle in this world and even these crazy events in these innocent childrens lives are part of it. it just seems so bizarre that that's the way it is.