It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I posted. I have much on my mind, as usual. I'm still in the midst of being a school psychologist, and navigating all the responsibility and weight of what that means. It's been 10 years, and I still struggle with balancing self-care, too much caring, and district bureaucratic drama. Let me give you an example. After a very strenuous last year (which included a 7 day strike, stress attacks, a new supervisor, and a huge caseload), I thought this year would be much better. There are definitely some things that are better this year. For one, I did go to 80% time, which gives me some relief in the stress-zone. And I am benefitting from the deeper connections we made during the strike with fellow teachers and staff. My supervisor is trying her best and she has such a tough job, I don't envy her. But they started rolling out this "Cycle of Inquiry" procedure for staff, which includes spending very expensive time mulling over a NASP standard and analyzing how we can inquire or deepen our practice in that realm. At least I'm assuming that is basically what it is for us. It was never explained fully. The concept was never explained. It was just mentioned, in the staff meeting, that, "oh by the way, we are doing this now." We didn't have a say and we didn't have any clue what we were doing. Luckily, one of my groupmate's was on top of her game and we were able to regurgitate some ad hoc info to put on the amazingly ambiguous spreadsheet. Who knows where this information is going and why we are told to be doing this. I think the teachers have been told to do this too, and our Instructional Coaches. It really makes no sense practically speaking because everyone is so overwhelmed by district demands already that it makes it a resentful process. It's like adding more boiling water to already overflowing pot. Perhaps I'll look in hindsight and think, "oh wow, that was helpful, and made me a better psych." But for now at least, I'm irritated and annoyed at how administration and leaders can just put down a new law, procedure or requirement without thinking of the ramifications. Now, I'm sure there may be some good reasoning for this new procedure (like deepening our own practice), but it's just difficult spending time on something when you weren't explained the reasoning behind it or given a chance to voice your input. Now I understand why teachers are at their capacity with all that they are required to do. Okay, I'm done ranting about the crazy bureaucracy. Time to go back to my self-care. Meditation anyone?

strike

February 2019 Dear daughter, I want to give you some insight into why I’m striking today. I’m outside in the cold and rain...for you. And for children in our community who deserve to have their basic needs met when they go to school. That means having teacher’s that have time to care for each of them, time for self-care and resources to feel good about teaching, not running out the door at a “better opportunity” in a neighboring district. A validation of their hard work and their back breaking dedication to some of our most vulnerable citizens. I’m striking so that us, as school psychologists can feel as if we are a part of the school community in a much bigger way, rather than being testing machines, providing necessary mental health services, general education intervention services, and teacher support through consultation and classroom programming (remember that self-regulation stuff we use at home? Imagine if that can be taught in classes!). With a smaller caseload, being at one or two schools (rather than 3 or 4!) and feeling less stretched for time, perhaps that would become a reality. I’m out here in this energizing crowd, hoping that nurses can somehow feel acknowledged and validated for their insane caseloads. Recognizing that social workers, counselors, and speech therapists all do much with such little resources. It’s a bigger cause than “just a raise”. It’s a movement for a more just living situation. It’s a vehicle of awareness for where education priorities are in our society, and it’s a difficult but necessary path for what is right. Thank you for listening, daughter, and don’t forget to make good choices. :) Love, your mom.

violence prevention team

this fall, there was a significant round of shootings going on in the neighborhood where my flatland school is. a few people died, a few people cried...and students were traumatized having to deal with family members being injured, dead or in jail. the students feared for their safety walking to school. i went into many classrooms and had discussions with the students and teachers about how this was impacting them and in one class, the students wanted to do something about it. i smile as i think about how they began coming up with tons of ideas on what to do and how to combat violence. they wanted action. so their amazing teacher, and myself, decided to help them start a "violence prevention team" where they met up and brainstormed ideas to help educate community members on how violence was affecting them, how to make signs for awareness, and what to do at school to help. they had amazing ideas, that included selling baked goods to fundraise for supplies, "VPT" t-shirts, and they made signs that said "no guns here," with pictures of circles and guns crossed out. they participated in a discussion with the local authorities on safety in their neighborhood, becoming patrollers and what to do if they are confronted with violence. in the wake of the sandyhook shooting in connecticut, it continued to be relevant in these students' lives. they could relate to the children thousands of miles away. but in fact, it was unfortunately, just another day for these children who have learned to become so detached from violence because that is one way to cope. after this national tragedy, i was expecting an outpouring of grief in my office. but none of the students presented as traumatized by this, because, it happens to them or near them much of the year. today, a few months later, as they prepare for end of the year exams and testing, it is relevant. they live and breath different forms of violence and unfortunately it seeps into everyday interactions. the teachers come to school and starting at 8:30 are battling numerous barriers to inculcate some sort of learning into the brains of students that have been exposed to repetitive and chronic stress and trauma. i admire teachers more than can come across in writing. so i hope the students and community can gather some inspiration from each other as they battle a monster much bigger than just gun control. it starts with one. but the drive and motivation must be there. the students in the VPT show that they have drive and motivation, hopefully it rubs off on the adults.

Mental Health Day

Well, it seems appropriate that I model what I tell everyone else to do right? So, today, after weeks of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I took a "mental health" day. It basically encompassed a rejuvenation of my spirit and letting the everyday issues of a very intense school year melt away. It was something I forced myself to do, despite a weekend crisis at a middle school. I would not have been very effective I fear, in alleviating the student grief, while I really haven't been able to deal with my own stuff. So I took the day to do that. And it felt so nice to recognize the beauty in nature and let my soul absorb it. As I hiked on the Pacific Ocean coastal trail, saw the bright blue sky, and dolphins playing in the aquamarine water, I forced the worries of students, needs of teachers, suicides, and shootings out of my head. I heartily embraced my gratitude for being healthy and whole. I think when I go in tomorrow, I will be a renewed service provider and be able to manage the demands of life much better. Self care is important!

do i want to go back?

during my summers off (yes, the whole summer, woohoo!) i have to reassess whether i want to come back to school. for the past four years, the answer has been "yes." this year, it's..."yeah, sure." the slight hesitation makes me wonder if the summer was worth the 10 months of stress. but as i evaluate, and list the pros and cons in my head, i feel more positive about school starting next week. oakland isn't done with me, yet. i still have many lessons to learn, and hugs to give. we have some pretty exciting things going on this year...if they actually happen. i have learnt the brutal lesson of not getting my hopes up in the public education realm. as i get my back to school supplies (love the little planners at target), mentally prepare for the consistently changing changes in the district, and acknowledge the barrage of initial assessments we scheduled for september, i remind myself of the kiddos i'll try to help this year. yes, i want to go back.

mother

in a meeting determining whether a child's severe actions are a manifestation of their "disability," the educational team, parent(s), and district special education representative engage in a *usually* very long discussion. many of these meetings get quite heated, egos flare, tempers rise, and sometimes it gets violent. today, in one of those such meetings, a 3rd grader, her mother and our school team met to figure out what to do next after her suspension. she had threatened, verbally harassed and caused quite a scene last week. it got to the point where she aggressively disrespected the principal and was sent home for 10 days (mom thought it was only 5, but i'll get to that).

during this particular meeting, it was going ok, but as we started to see, the parent got quite agitated whenever the principal spoke, and at a few points had to be calmed down when she stood up to leave. she also started explaining what had been going on at home, fights, a relationship break-up, being robbed three times in the past month, being held at gunpoint, getting in a fist fight with another woman (the daughter explained -"and my momma beat her down!")...there was a point when i looked in that little girl's eyes and just saw a deep sadness. this was all she knew. unfortunately we could see exactly why she acts the way she does.

as the mother learned that her child was suspended for another week, she flew off the handle, talking to the principal with such disrespectful words, but masking her tone so she didn't "sound" mean, if that makes sense. it's difficult for me to be in the room and not do anything, but these situations are tricky. i didn't want to create more drama, and was very aware of the student soaking in the whole scene. eventually, it was resolved, and the mother signed paperwork begrudgingly, but the whole meeting left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. it was obvious the whole family needs help, not only mental health but emotional and social support. not until later, when processing this high-strung event, i wondered what else i could have done in there.

i guess that i probably just did the best thing i knew how: try to engage the child to not hear the drama, listening with empathy to the mother, and being an advocate for the student. despite the parent's feelings, she should not have been so rude, but i also understood that she was like that because of her pain. it was all she knew too.

during meetings, in statements i make, or questions i have, i refer to the caregiver as "mom," "mother," "dad," "father," "aunt," "uncle" etc. i rarely use their name. today i realized that it's true: this woman was a mother. why shouldn't she be considered my mother? after all, we are all *one* right? i wonder if i could diffuse tense situations by calling the parent, "mother." would it connect us, or would she slap my face? while many of the "mothers" are much younger than me, if i could connect them to that human nature of a mother, by reminding them that they are my mother in spirit, i think it would help make a potentially volatile discussion become non-violent.

so my lesson today was that despite all the craziness that comes out of a parents mouth, i should start by seeing the Mother in her, and using that connection to strengthen the tenuous bonds of the school-home relationship. hopefully that would trickle to the student in some way...

giving

from a journal entry 1.4.2011:
One of my conscious activities for this month is to give. It's funny, I feel like I don't give much, but at work, I give all day long. One may not see the fruits of what I give, but in trying a shoe, in providing a safe space, by saying something encouraging, by defending a student, by listening to a teacher rant about a student or their trip abroad, by joking with a fellow colleague, by providing "insights" to an intern, by giving a hug, by providing a smidge of confidence...I guess I give a lot more than I thought. I have been beating myself up over not doing service, over not being generous, but boy, I'm not that selfish. I could always be more generous, but I'm working towards the conscious "I am going to give" process too.
:)